Reading Recluse<p>📗 "Dagboek van een Arts: Oost-Pruisen 1945-1947" by Hans Graf von Lehndorff, translated from German into Dutch by Rieke den Hertog-van 't Spijker</p><p>Available in English as "East Prussian Diary".</p><p>I give up. I've been beat. I read so many texts from 1914-1950: memoirs about war, camps, prisons, loss. They have all changed me in their own way. They're all valuable. I feel strongly about never forgetting human atrocities, being vigilant about never supporting war or genocide. Bear witness, record, resist. Keep resisting. </p><p>This book has become too much for me. I've been reading it for almost half a year now. I have about a 100 more pages to go in this 375 page diary and I can't do it, at least not now. But because this is such an important work, I can't bear putting it on the dnf list instead of giving it more time and attention here.</p><p>This is the diary from a German doctor. He is a devout Christian and anti-nazi. He has recorded his time in East Prussia during the last few months of WW2 and in the following Soviet occupation. He's trying hard to keep anyone (mostly civilians) alive, not succeeding much due to a lack of supplies and tragic circumstances. People are dying from bombings, gun shots, hunger, thirst, diseases, repeated rapes, cold, violent thefts and murder. Suicides become common. The ground gets too full of bodies even for mass graves.</p><p>Von Lehndorff is not a sensationalist writer at all. He records as if it's his duty, but he leaves out many gruesome details. There is just something about seeing him so full of horror and emotion in the early pages, but becoming more and more of an empty shell as time goes on. Seeing him go from thanking God for every bit of luck, to him starting to think that all that he sees is the true nature of humans, and a working society with laws and limitations as just a cute cover-up in periods of peace. I think he only remained alive because he kept seeing suicide as a sin. Although later on, when his extremely religious co-workers and friends start dying of suicide, he is full of understanding and passes them no judgement. He tries to give them somewhat of a decent grave, although it's barely possible.</p><p>Von Lehndorff was a kind person who somehow kept his will to survive, his need to help others and the majority of his sanity. Because of it he had to see so many horrors -horrors that even a reader like me, far removed in time, can't bear to stomach just hearing about.</p><p>I think a lot about this book and others like it. I've read many articles with evidence that in times of despair and need, people come together and help each other. Mostly this evidence comes from small communities, or from areas where natural disasters happened. But books like these also show, especially in times of need due to human violence, that only a minority keeps being good. Many people rape, plunder, snitch -they commit any terror to survive. Most just give up after the initial panic, waiting to be ordered around or to die. It stresses me out. Being a human is terrifying. Other humans are terrifying.</p><p>There are many things that make this book extra hard right now. The EU starting 'rearm Europe' and every news outlet screaming about upcoming war sure doesn't help. Being instructed by the government to stock iodine pills and prepare survival kits isn't very calming. Seeing governments here inviting kids on their 18th birthday to join the army, yikes. Watching multiple wars and genocides abroad play out in real-time... </p><p>Due to a bad injury last year, I've been in physical therapy for months now, relearning to sit, stand, walk, so I feel extremely vulnerable physically. Reading how every woman who was sick, disabled, wounded or elderly got robbed, abused and sexually assaulted at every opportunity, by both foes and allies, felt horrible and very threatening. I'd really like me some legs that can run and fight right about now, even just for a fake sense of security.</p><p>Anyway, it's amazing that this text has been recorded, and even more amazing that it has survived. It's not well-known at all, and there aren't many printed or available. If you can handle reading it, it's probably worth it. You really should not be allowed to cheer for any war before having read a diary like this one. And if you can still somehow cheer on any war at all after having read it, go volunteer to join yourself or shut the fuck up, thanks. :)</p><p><a href="https://c.im/tags/WW2" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>WW2</span></a></p>